To Boldly Lead.....Myself
A Journey of A Thousand Feelings
It's been two years since I left my 9 to 5 job, or should I say my 8 to 4ish job in education. I took some time off to heal and build up some practices that at the time, served me. I allowed myself to really go with my emotional flow, to let my emotions lead me. I must admit, it was a very difficult journey, as many deep emotions were released, which drained my energy and brought up judgements of wasting time and worthlessness. This was compounded by not bringing in an income, and the fact that I now realise that much of my self-confidence was caught up in teaching. So my happily ever after post-leap of faith was not quite what I had envisaged!
Me To The Rescue
After 8 months, my first charity job manifested (Thank you universe and me!), which dropped into part time, just in time for me to train as a Happiness Trainer with the amazing team at The Museum of Happiness. I went on to immerse myself in this wonderful community, and then had the privilege of stepping in as their Community Co-ordinator for 3 months. The time within this community enabled me to live and breathe my dream of delivering the mental wellbeing techniques and content that saved me from a life of depression and self-rejection. My energy was high and so was my bank balance. As I started this year, though, I feel grateful to have mindfully noticed that I was subconsciously bombarding myself with negative thoughts. After having a kindful (we'll come back to that) word with myself, I admitted that I was having a tough time and that I needed help. What happened next was magic - I came to my own rescue (with help from the Universe!). I asked the Universe to help me attract more positivity into my life, because all I want is blessings for all. I suddenly remembered a video that had really uplifted me a few years ago - it's one of Tony Robbins' incantations.
Yang, Meet Yin
I listened and joined in, and connected with a part of myself that had been on a break for a while. It's my Yang. It's the part of me that knows my power, my strength and what I'm capable of. It's the part of me that has no doubt about my worth and no fear about activating it to its full extent, as it knows for certain that I am not the kind of person that would allow such blessings to go to her head. It is the no nonsense, non-hesitant part that says Yes Yes Yes and never holds back. AND I LOVE IT! Now this part is easy to love. It's the other part that I have sometimes struggled to embrace, although those 8 months post-leap made some great headway. That opposite side, my Yin, the tender, compassionate side, had lots of airtime over the last 2 years, and that was necessary as I was holding a lot of suppressed emotions and core beliefs going back as far as my childhood. But as I'm discovering more and more, life is all about balance.
Personal Development Vs. Spiritual
Before I delved deep into the spiritual world in 2015, I was surfacing from a deep dive into the world of personal development. I was looking to Tony Robbins et al to save me. Accessing the Yang in me through empowering, adrenaline-fuelled events certainly helped, but what I now realise is that it was missing a key ingredient - self-compassion. There's a lot to be said for powering through when you have responsibilities, but allowing myself time off from these enabled me to swing the pendulum in the opposite direction. Instead of using my inner coach to shout myself through difficulties, I learned to welcome in my emotions - even the 'bad' ones. I now appreciate that there are no 'bad' ones, they all bring a message if you're able and willing to listen. I had already set off alone on this journey towards self-love in my twenties, not long after one of my depression breakthoughs, but it is a journey that often requires support and training. Some of my significant progress came from the effervescently loving Vicky Johnson (one of the co-founders of The Museum of Happiness) and the community there, and Kind Mind Academy through the teachings of Kristin Neff.
The Power of Balance
I feel now that the time has come to find the balance between my Yin and my Yang. Going with every emotional flow that surfaces no longer serves me. I am now in the privileged position to have the time to fully go for my dream of serving humanity by building a mental wellbeing business. So why wouldn't I want to push myself? I'm no longer stuck in a job that drains my energy or brain power, rather than enabling me to fulfil my purpose. I am not pushing myself to do something because I have to, I have the privilege of choosing to do it because I WANT to - everything I do is bringing me closer to my dream. This is not about finding something or someone to save me. It's about trusting that I know myself well enough to LEAD MYSELF, and to do so kindfully (there's that word again). I could just do it mindfully - noticing and being present with what comes up, but I've also learnt to apply self-compassion, which is known as Kindfulness. Read this wonderful Kindfulness article by the amazing Shamash Alidina (the other co-founder of the Museum of Happiness) to find out more. Kindfulness is a great tool for balance - for example, sometimes spiritual practice can feel like hard work, or I'm simply eager to get on with my day, I notice this with interest and then apply self-compassion and allow myself to move on.
With all this in mind, I've decided to stride purposefully into 2019 by setting myself a new 21 day challenge - the intention is to create positive habits of self-leadership. It's time to tap into the positive energy I so readily share with everyone else. The aim is to start every day by leading myself towards what I want, to focus on it and bring it to life. I will set the intention of kindfully noticing any emotions that arise, and trusting that if they are important enough to interrupt my positive flow, I will make them a part of it and move on.
The time for me to flourish is now, so that I can feel good and do good! Happy New Day!