Standing Up to...Myself
Enough is enough. I love myself and I deserve to feel great about myself. I am done with "You'll never this" and "You're not good enough to that". Enough now. It's been 23 years, yes 23, since I started my degree journey. I've been to hell and back, wrestling demons, depression, stalkers and debilitating beliefs that have kept me small for years. So here is a newsflash for my mind:
I am not small.
My heart is as big as the ocean, and at 42, I have evolved into a confident woman with a magnificent blend of intelligences, while preserving my true nature - love, love,love.
In a month's time, I will finally complete my degree journey.
Yet today, I noticed some old demons loitering around my intended study time. "You're not a deep thinker", "You've been blagging it". How amazing to bear conscious witness to this voice. How incredible to be able to say:
"Stop! I don't need you anymore. I trust myself to deal with whatever success comes my way from making a real effort."
I am so grateful for this developed sense of awareness that has come from years of overthinking. Haha, yes indeed, I found the gift that came from that! For years I exhausted myself analysing every little thing. Until I learnt mindfulness and meditation, and found that inner peace can come from less thinking rather than thinking through every possible scenario. I learnt that love trumps fear. Applying a thick layer of self-love when the voice of fear shows up has been transformative. It transformed my relationships. It enabled me to leave the 9 to 5. It enabled me to start my own business. And now it is enabling me to finally complete my degree.
As I learnt on a Mindful Self-Compassion course, self-love has two faces - Yin and Yang. I've learnt to Yin my way through the last two years. But now it's time for Yang to come out and play. I love myself more than I fear failure. I trust that I can deal with whatever comes.
How did I know that now was the time to get the Yang out? I heard my inner child cry. She cried because the negative thoughts were hurtful and untrue. So I stepped in and said:
No. No more. Thank you for sharing, but 72% begs to differ.
I am so grateful to have been able to see the signs. The procrastination. The restlessness. The tears. I am grateful for the dress rehearsal that was my first shot at university all those years ago. I am grateful for blow after mental blow that drove me into a tiny Phoenix waiting to rise again and fly. I am grateful for the determination, self-belief and sheer gumption to turn an experience that once obliterated my will to live, and turn it into a way to uplift others. I am grateful for the woman I have become.
Self-aware, resilient and *ss-kicking!
I am also grateful for all those who have supported and nurtured me along the way - you know who you are, and I thank you with all my heart!
How is your Yin/Yang balance?